Matthew 5:43-48

Everything’s changed. Most pertinently the gap year is formally over and Hannah and Stew have left to Kenya, and though there are lots of things that should probably be written down right about now- individual plans, what God’s been doing, the purpose of this blog from now on, what’s still being learnt and a bit of a rant about the royal wedding- I unfortunately feel the need to vocalise (even if it is cyber) some feelings towards the news of Osama Bin Laden’s death.

I suppose the main thing I was interested in (as I so often am) was people’s reactions, though I’m slightly shocked that I’m shocked by them. The facebook statuses alone are enough to make anyone cynical about our so called civilised age: the euphoric, jingoistic nature from a few American friends and the downright ignorance and bellicose slur from those closer to home interspersed with a few bestial, Sikipedia style jokes I thought we’d all grown out of. Someone died today. A child of God was murdered.

Now, I don’t claim to be an expert on the politics, on al-Qaeda, on the details of his death, the argument of necessity or the speculations on what this might now cause (though I can say with certainty that terrorism has not been beaten today as it seems some of those rejoicing in Bin Laden’s death believe) so I will not assume any authority in talking about the politics and won’t even bother putting down my half-formed opinion, and y’know, fair play to anyone simply breathing a sigh of relief but what I will say is that some (not all, I do realise) responses do not represent a society that is correct in its pride in being civilised, being ‘morally superior’. Was this justice? An eye for an eye? Applauding ourselves because we murdered the murderer and delighted in it and that's okay because he's 'evil', is less than human, is the figurehead of everything wrong with the world? We took to the streets to celebrate what exactly? Not the end of a war on terror, so simply national pride in- after excruciating amounts of time, money, violence- there being one more death? A death by innocent hands?

And now I find myself praying that members of al-Qaeda don’t respond in exactly the way we did and seek revenge, seems odd.

Of course, I do not dispute that Bin Laden is responsible for many deaths and the exploitation of religion for the purposes of hatred and I’ll pray for families of victims of terrorist attacks but I’ll also pray for the persecutors because like I say, I’m a kid that doesn’t know much about any of it, but I do know a small bit about love, about what Jesus taught and that He was speaking the truth, I know that fighting hate with hate doesn’t achieve much more than bloodshed.

I’ll end, I’m winding myself up. It just all seems ludicrous from where I’m standing, there’s no moral high-ground and no love. I’ll leave you with what, in my opinion, have been more appropriate reactions I’ve seen and heard in conversation:

Martin Luther King Jr - "I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."

 

A frustrated American- “Every inbred yokel from 50 miles is breaking out their rusty toolboxes full of fireworks labelled ‘Usama’-  Only took a trillion dollars, nearly a million dead citizens, almost 10000 of our own military. It’s like if we went after the ex-president of Tesco, and after killing him celebrated the end of Walmart.”

Some lefty American- “This is bin Laden’s lamentable victory: He has changed America’s psyche from one that saw violence as a regrettable-if-sometimes-necessary act into one that finds orgasmic euphoria in news of bloodshed. In other words, he’s helped drag us down into his sick nihilism by making us like too many other bellicose societies in history -- the ones that aggressively cheer on killing, as long as it is the Bad Guy that is being killed.”

Sophie-“I don't care, I just wish everyone on facebook would shut up about it.”

Back to Basics.

This poem was written in a 24-7 prayer room and tries to explain why Jesus died and what His death means. 

How I realised everything I was thinking was wrong.

I think a lot about why people act the way the way they act and think the way they think and want the things they want. I suppose this means I think a lot about identity, which has been a bit of a running theme around the youth ministries recently so I'll write a bit about where I'm at with it all.

My default has always been that nothing ever done is anything other than inevitable. There's something (or a combination of things) that at some point has dictated to some extent that I'm going to be the person that I am and therefore do the things I do. All anyone is, is the product of the things that happen to them; the culture and society they're born into; the way they're brought up and whatever fortuitous load of genes they're born with- we're all foreordained to do what we do and be who we be. It's a bit deterministic I suppose, which is bleak and recently upon discovering more consciously that this is how I think I started questioning it.

This sent me down five main lines of thought I'll either explain very briefly or not get into at all. (skip to five if you don't care for my digressions)

1- Criminals. I won't name specific cases but we can all think of them: those stories the media runs with that can shock a nation- individuals committing acts of outrageous violence, malevolence and immorality. And sometimes these stories are worse than any we've heard in a while, and we're suddenly not so inured to injustice. In my experience people respond in one of two ways. One is to demonise the transgressors: view them as 'monsters', less than human aberrations and sit comfortably and proudly above them, because they're evil and we're not. A very easy approach to take, maybe even the right one, but I've never quite felt comfortable with it. People aren't just inherently bad (I tell myself). The other tactic is to place blame. Why did that happen? Was it the police, social services, television, the government, the parents? Pick one, stick to it and move on. Until recently this is what I've found myself doing when faced with these situations, because it's nice to be able to intellectualise and it fits with my theory- that there must be something to blame, it was never just a random act. People do what people know and react to circumstances they're in. It's out of the hands of the individual. The implications of this would be that no-one can be held morally responsible for any action.

2. Homosexuality. I'm bored of the debate now, and I won't write down my opinions but to be brief I was thinking about the 'nurture' argument- to assume one is not born a homosexual (not that I do or don't, just a thought) what circumstances might influence their sexuality? And it went on...

3. Physics. Following a conversation with Sam of which I forgot the conclusion, I asked Grandad Wichmann if it was possible to create a random number generator and his answer, to put simply, was no (though he has invented his very own pseudo-random number generator.) Anyway, I was wondering if determinism can be applied to physics and from what I can gather, in some quantum cases it can't and randomness happens.

4. National identities. What's England's? How does it change? Where do they come from? etc 

5. God. Once a year I'm wrong and this is one of those times. Because there is a God, everyone has options, everyone can be held morally responsible, everyone has freedom in who they are and what they do. Our identities aren't determined because when God gets involved, our identities are in Him- our choices are in Him. We have the decision in everything we do and he showed me this recently in a pretty challenging way. Of course we're influenced by everything around us, and He has overall control but that doesn't mean we're predestined. 

I was fearfully and wonderfully made not my accident. 

Having an identity in Christ is where I'm at, walking in it is the goal. On away week He spoke a lot over all of us about who we are in Him when we did listening for it and loads of exciting things came up. 

There was a picture of me handcuffing myself to Jesus and this still makes me laugh because honestly I'd do it quite literally if I could. I want to be committed to Him, and go where He goes and nowhere else.

As always, this has been ramble-y and unnecessarily long but my conclusion is all that's important: there is always a choice and my identity is in Christ.

1 Peter 2:9

Vlog Two

Vlog Two - A three course meal consisting of - a cheese based 90's sitcom introduction followed by a short yet satisfying chat about idealistic visions and ended with a large zingy few words about the reality of God. Then just in case you're not ready to pop there's a messy glimpse of some out-takes. Yum yum.


The pictures Susie talks about....

Vlog One

Vlog One - A theologically accurate description of how night time and day time came to be, an introduction to the Gappers and an insight into Stewart's mind.

“There are only two ways of telling the complete truth - anonymously and posthumously.”

Blogs are both ruined and made by those that read them.

I was astounded when Hannah showed me that we can see the location and quantity of our “Audience” and that even Kenyans, Americans, Australians and Germans have all checked us out. Disconcertingly, I know who these individuals are (or can take a pretty good guess) and it’s made the idea of writing another post difficult.

It’s difficult to be honest about what we think with people we know personally. People we know personally (usually) know us personally, and therefore know that we live hypocritical lives; that we lack integrity and the things we’re learning (on a gap year, for example) don’t impact us enough or for long enough. Aside that, it’s easy for me to tell a stranger how I’m feeling, (and I do, frequently) what I’m thinking, that I feel pretty lost and far away from God (hypothetically, of course) - it’s easy to write that down into a computer because computers don’t judge, screens don’t convict, they don’t feel as if they have to help; their opinions don’t change; they don’t worry; they don’t ask questions and I’m in control. As much as I’d love this to not be the case, people aren’t computers.

My fear of writing much else got me thinking about honesty.

I’m a liar. (But you can’t believe that.)

I lie when I love out of obligation; serve with ulterior motives; I lie when I tell people what I think they want to hear; I lie when I say I don’t struggle and I lie when I don’t reveal 3% of what I’m really thinking. I also lie when I say I’m going to quit smoking and get a proper job and sleep better and get over myself and allow myself to be vulnerable and put my flipping everything into making those things the truth till I burn out. I burn out very quickly and take on everything all at once with an overtly ‘all-or-nothing’ attitude and zero perseverance.

It’s difficult to be honest when we’re broken, when we’re thinking awful things. Spending the last few weeks praying about this, God started doing something interesting, which was to remind me of a lot of truths. Separately and exactly when I needed them, He told me again that I’m loved, that I’m forgiven, that I’m not alone, that He’s powerful, that He’s bigger than it all, that I’m not made of glass but that I don’t need to stand in front of Him pretending that I’m sorted. Funny thing was, I started believing Him.

He’s also been pointing out when I start lying to myself: that I can do things separate from Him; that I need a particular person in my life to do anything right; that I can’t get better; that I should allow logic to supersede emotions, that nothing can ever change and that anything other than cynicism is stupidity. 

These thoughts on honesty led me to thoughts on how much anyone can really know anyone else. If you're anything like me (and God help you I hope you're not when it comes to this) you'll attempt to guard your own heart above all else (is that a Proverb?) in relationships. I like to understand others, not because it strengthens relationships or because there's any emotional need but because I'm interested on an intellectual level and like to compartmentalize and simplify and gage how they think and feel in control. 
But as much as I like to think this isn't the case, I can't really know anyone. And being in community isn't about having that sort of knowledge of another, it's about having an understanding and an unconditional love. I think I'd benefit from making less assumptions; that I know how others are feeling or how they'll react to anything and stop trying to second guess and study and just be with them. 

"I sometimes think that people’s hearts are like deep wells. Nobody knows what’s at the bottom. All you can do is imagine by what comes floating to the surface every once in a while." 

John 8:32

Notting Hill, builders and John 16:33- Eady

On September 1st 2010 I (very accidentally) found myself sitting in a small café in Notting Hill, talking to three builders on their coffee break. I hadn't planned on being in London that day; I hadn't planned on being alone but neither had I planned to talk to these strangers. Even so, this day: talking to people; what I wrote; what I read; the snippets of conversation I heard around me; the bland, fake-European, class-confused coffee shop I hated and the surrounding area and architecture I loved - as underwhelming as it would appear to any onlooker- wazs one of the most important days of my year.I'm bad at spending time alone but at this time, being in a mix of an excruciating, prolonged reverse-culture shock yet on a huge spiritual high I had an incredible day. 
Upon seeing that it was the Bible I was reading, one of the guys on the tables next to me started a conversation, eager to tell me what he thought.

"So you believe in all that?" he asked after explaining his views, vaguely pointing his cigarette towards my book.

"Every word" I responded confidently and we preceded to have a long, conclusion-less but enjoyable discussion about God. 

That day I was happy- I loved every second I spent with God; I couldn't believe the time I'd just had in India and all the things He'd promised and revealed to me there, the confirmation I got from Him that the upcoming gap year really was His plan for me and I was excited like I hadn't been before for what was coming next in my walk with Him. I read and re-read John (and Job, as always) and He gave me a lot of conclusions to questions I'd been asking.

I was reminded of the time I'd spent with Him that day when I was in Notting Hill again last week. It made me realise how important it is to begin things (anything, everything) with Him. Something I've been trying to do over the year is have private God time at the beginning of each day which has taught me how valuable it is to offer every day to Him, begin in the right mindset and ask Him what His plans are for it. 

That day I also read for the first time John 16:33 "I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." At the time it didn't resonate how awesome those words Jesus said are but I highlighted them even so and a few days ago we were watching a talk by Louie Giglio as he spoke about hope and the power of the cross and the meaning of these words. It was an incredible sermon he did, and just the reminder I needed that God’s in control, something I knew so well that day back in September but somehow fought against, or forgot, or stopped trusting in.

We will suffer, but Jesus has overcome the world. I don't think there's much better than that.