“There are only two ways of telling the complete truth - anonymously and posthumously.”

Blogs are both ruined and made by those that read them.

I was astounded when Hannah showed me that we can see the location and quantity of our “Audience” and that even Kenyans, Americans, Australians and Germans have all checked us out. Disconcertingly, I know who these individuals are (or can take a pretty good guess) and it’s made the idea of writing another post difficult.

It’s difficult to be honest about what we think with people we know personally. People we know personally (usually) know us personally, and therefore know that we live hypocritical lives; that we lack integrity and the things we’re learning (on a gap year, for example) don’t impact us enough or for long enough. Aside that, it’s easy for me to tell a stranger how I’m feeling, (and I do, frequently) what I’m thinking, that I feel pretty lost and far away from God (hypothetically, of course) - it’s easy to write that down into a computer because computers don’t judge, screens don’t convict, they don’t feel as if they have to help; their opinions don’t change; they don’t worry; they don’t ask questions and I’m in control. As much as I’d love this to not be the case, people aren’t computers.

My fear of writing much else got me thinking about honesty.

I’m a liar. (But you can’t believe that.)

I lie when I love out of obligation; serve with ulterior motives; I lie when I tell people what I think they want to hear; I lie when I say I don’t struggle and I lie when I don’t reveal 3% of what I’m really thinking. I also lie when I say I’m going to quit smoking and get a proper job and sleep better and get over myself and allow myself to be vulnerable and put my flipping everything into making those things the truth till I burn out. I burn out very quickly and take on everything all at once with an overtly ‘all-or-nothing’ attitude and zero perseverance.

It’s difficult to be honest when we’re broken, when we’re thinking awful things. Spending the last few weeks praying about this, God started doing something interesting, which was to remind me of a lot of truths. Separately and exactly when I needed them, He told me again that I’m loved, that I’m forgiven, that I’m not alone, that He’s powerful, that He’s bigger than it all, that I’m not made of glass but that I don’t need to stand in front of Him pretending that I’m sorted. Funny thing was, I started believing Him.

He’s also been pointing out when I start lying to myself: that I can do things separate from Him; that I need a particular person in my life to do anything right; that I can’t get better; that I should allow logic to supersede emotions, that nothing can ever change and that anything other than cynicism is stupidity. 

These thoughts on honesty led me to thoughts on how much anyone can really know anyone else. If you're anything like me (and God help you I hope you're not when it comes to this) you'll attempt to guard your own heart above all else (is that a Proverb?) in relationships. I like to understand others, not because it strengthens relationships or because there's any emotional need but because I'm interested on an intellectual level and like to compartmentalize and simplify and gage how they think and feel in control. 
But as much as I like to think this isn't the case, I can't really know anyone. And being in community isn't about having that sort of knowledge of another, it's about having an understanding and an unconditional love. I think I'd benefit from making less assumptions; that I know how others are feeling or how they'll react to anything and stop trying to second guess and study and just be with them. 

"I sometimes think that people’s hearts are like deep wells. Nobody knows what’s at the bottom. All you can do is imagine by what comes floating to the surface every once in a while." 

John 8:32

When you're a professional pirate... you don't have to wear a suit- Susie

"I will know my call despite my faults and despite my growing fears... I'll know my name as it's called again... to live my life as it's meant to be"- Mumford & Sons
( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNy8llTLvuA )



We are all chosen and we are all called to be living sacrifices. Our sacrifice is to live! To be free to live life in all its fullness. Maybe not the life we would choose and we won't be in control, but the creator of the entire universe, who knows you and loves you, has chosen it and is in control.
Costly grace- the price Jesus paid was massive and we need to respond to that grace with all that we have. But I think the cost was massive because we are worth so much. We are worth so much to God. If we live by cheap grace, not only are we disregarding Jesus, we're disregarding ourselves. We have such purpose and strength, not on our own, but with God. We are called to live such huge lives, maybe not from the world's point of view, but this world isn't going to last. And we know the Truth.



We are resurrection people who already have the victory.



Romans 12: 1-2
Matthew 10: 39
John 16: 33

Notting Hill, builders and John 16:33- Eady

On September 1st 2010 I (very accidentally) found myself sitting in a small café in Notting Hill, talking to three builders on their coffee break. I hadn't planned on being in London that day; I hadn't planned on being alone but neither had I planned to talk to these strangers. Even so, this day: talking to people; what I wrote; what I read; the snippets of conversation I heard around me; the bland, fake-European, class-confused coffee shop I hated and the surrounding area and architecture I loved - as underwhelming as it would appear to any onlooker- wazs one of the most important days of my year.I'm bad at spending time alone but at this time, being in a mix of an excruciating, prolonged reverse-culture shock yet on a huge spiritual high I had an incredible day. 
Upon seeing that it was the Bible I was reading, one of the guys on the tables next to me started a conversation, eager to tell me what he thought.

"So you believe in all that?" he asked after explaining his views, vaguely pointing his cigarette towards my book.

"Every word" I responded confidently and we preceded to have a long, conclusion-less but enjoyable discussion about God. 

That day I was happy- I loved every second I spent with God; I couldn't believe the time I'd just had in India and all the things He'd promised and revealed to me there, the confirmation I got from Him that the upcoming gap year really was His plan for me and I was excited like I hadn't been before for what was coming next in my walk with Him. I read and re-read John (and Job, as always) and He gave me a lot of conclusions to questions I'd been asking.

I was reminded of the time I'd spent with Him that day when I was in Notting Hill again last week. It made me realise how important it is to begin things (anything, everything) with Him. Something I've been trying to do over the year is have private God time at the beginning of each day which has taught me how valuable it is to offer every day to Him, begin in the right mindset and ask Him what His plans are for it. 

That day I also read for the first time John 16:33 "I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." At the time it didn't resonate how awesome those words Jesus said are but I highlighted them even so and a few days ago we were watching a talk by Louie Giglio as he spoke about hope and the power of the cross and the meaning of these words. It was an incredible sermon he did, and just the reminder I needed that God’s in control, something I knew so well that day back in September but somehow fought against, or forgot, or stopped trusting in.

We will suffer, but Jesus has overcome the world. I don't think there's much better than that. 

The moon, seatbelts and Romans 12 - Hannah

I feel that I should start this blog with some sort of well written introduction but I’m no good at that so I’ll get straight into it.
I was recently having a chat with a friend about the different contexts in which we find God revealed. I explained to him that I find God in the moon, how incredible I find it that the same Sun that gives light to the other side of the earth is reflecting off the moon, becoming visible. I find it so awesome that I can sit and stare at it for ages. After explaining this, there was a short pause before he said he had a similar thing with seatbelts. At first I thought he’d missed my point entirely but when he elaborated I realized that each of us just experience God in different ways. God’s awesome and quite funny.

Anyway, on a completely different note, I’ve recently been challenged to read my bible more and within the last few months some great things have come from this. I’ve found that I’ve become far more excited about my faith. One of the chapters which has most inspired me is Romans 12. I’d encourage anyone who reads this post to read the whole chapter but I’ll share my thoughts on verse 1.

Romans 12:1 - Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and spiritual act of worship.

In Greek the word spiritual means rational. Therefore, when Paul talks about ‘spiritual act of worship’ it means our ‘rational act of worship’. This made me think about what our society and culture says about faith and rationality. It makes us believe that to have faith, to pray and to worship is irrational since we are ‘sorted’, we live in society with immediate answers and solutions. There is no God and there is no need for a God. Therefore, the idea that worship is the only truly rational thing to do is so counter cultural. This concept challenged me to think about and reject what my culture says about my religion and faith. To ‘not conform to the pattern of this world’ is to not compartmentalize our lives and to let our faith impact all areas of our life.

A little while ago Mel was teaching us about our generation and postmodernism. This is what made me think about how we compartmentalize and how this leads to a lack of integrity. In my own life I have noticed that I’m a completely different person around different groups of friends and I choose to share my faith with some and not others. I recently met up with some college friends who I hadn’t seen in a while. After a short conversation with them about what each of us was doing I noticed how little they knew about my faith and how important it is to me.

So, that’s one of my aims in life at the moment. Please pray for more integrity for me.